I Used to be a Person

Just for today

2012-01-15T03:56:00.003-05:00

FOR TODAY...January 15, 2012

Outside my window...it's a cold windy night.

I am thinking...that I need a good cry.

I am wearing...Pink plaid jammy pants, a red shirt, a blue sweater and black slippers.

I am creating...nothing right now. I did clean off my scrapbooking desk the other day so I have room to work. Hopefully I can get back into it soon.

I am going...hopefully nowhere tomorrow. I just want a day to relax at home.

I am reading...a book called "Kid" by Dan Savage about gay adoption and I am also reading "Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire." Working my way through the series for the first time.

From the kitchen...tonight we had ham and swiss quiche with oven roasted broccoli on the side.

Around the house...the remnants of christmas are still sitting around because I've been too lazy to put them away. At least the tree is down!

From my picture files...my current desktop wallpaper.

The holiday madness is over

2012-01-15T02:51:00.005-05:00

So, my last post was around Halloween. Yeah. I'm sorry about that. If I have any readers left, thanks for staying. :) Although this blog was never really about having a lot of followers. It's mostly just my online diary, so I'm not too worried about whether I have readers or not. ;)

Well, let's see. Our holidays were non-eventful so not much to tell there. My husband did lose his job but we've known about it for months. It wasn't an end of the year surprise or anything. But his last day was near the end of December. We're fine for now. This isn't about that. I'm not really stressed about that, believe it or not.

Not sure if I'm stressed about anything right now, except the usual issues. Most of which I haven't even explored here yet but I intend to. I just don't get a lot of quiet alone time for blogging my thoughts. Usually (like tonight) I have to make a point to stay up extra late and blog when the house is quiet. I can't focus otherwise.

So I recently (thanks for Facebook friends) read an article about a thing called "gaslighting." You can read it here:

Gaslighting

I'll let you read it, rather than try to explain it here. If you're female you should definitely read it. Although I'm sure it happens to men as well.

After reading it I came to the realization (as I'm sure a lot of people will) that this has been happening to me my entire life. And the worst culprit was my dad. Now, I do love my dad (although for a lot of years I didn't really feel that way) but he had a way (and still does) of making me feel invalid. Especially emotionally. He would often say (as I was growing up) that I needed to calm down (if I was angry), stop over-reacting, "get over it." I was called a "worry wart" which to a kid sounds like a really gross and derogatory thing.

My point is, my emotions, my opinions on things, my feelings were rarely validated by my parents. Mostly my dad, but I know my mother often went along with it to keep the peace because he did it to her as well. So I grew up thinking that having my feelings shut down was normal which of course caused new (and very negative) feelings about myself. I directed my bad feelings toward myself rather than toward the person who was causing them. I was a kid. I didn't know any better. And didn't really think about it until reading this article.

Sometimes my husband tells me I'm over-reacting. He wants me to "just calm down" or to "stop worrying." Well, how dare he? When I'm angry, let me be angry. When I'm sad, let me be sad. Don't take those feelings away from me because they inconvenience you. Or because you think you need to protect me from them. (which is likely what my husband is trying to do...protect me from those negative emotions and keep the peace. But it isn't what I need in the heat of that feeling. Especially anger.)

So, that's been bugging me. Other stuff is on my mind too. I feel inadequate about my parenting capabilities. But from talking to my mommy friends that seems pretty normal. Put depression on top of that though and you have a bad combination. That's a day-to-day struggle. Some days are great. Some days are awful. If I can just maintain then I'm doing okay.

God. I had so much on my mind and now I can't focus. It's well past 3 am and I'm so tired. I need to start writing down my thoughts during the day so I can put them into blog form when I get a chance. For now, I want to post this. This song is everything I'm feeling right now, and had me crying my eyes out earlier.

Sia-"I'm In Here"

Goodnight all.

Halloween

2011-10-29T00:28:00.003-04:00

Some of you may remember that last year I did a countdown to Halloween, posting ideas and links to celebrate the holiday. I'm sorry I didn't do that this year.

Getting ready for Halloween this year has been a struggle. A lot of things are factoring into that. My depression is the biggest one. The retail world is another. No sooner did Halloween things go out, Christmas stuff came tagging along. Then Halloween stuff slowly got pushed to the side. And now that we're two days away from Halloween the weatherman is calling for snow. Which means a couple of the holiday activities that I had planned have been postponed or cancelled altogether. That depresses me even further.

I love Halloween and I love Christmas. But I don't love them together. Each holiday should be given their own time and I'm starting to resent Christmas for taking over so soon. I don't want to resent Christmas.

Anyhow, blah. Just wanted to check in and say I'm sorry for not posting about the holiday at all this time around. I don't have a good excuse. I will say this...next year I am buying my Halloween supplies as soon as they come out in the stores, before they disappear. There's no joy in shopping the holiday clearance if there's nothing left. And I need to plan a month's worth of Halloween activities for my family, you know, in case of snow.

Ugh.

Blog Therapy: FAT

2011-10-05T01:33:00.007-04:00

(disclaimer: this picture is not me)

So one of the biggest (no pun intended) issues I have with myself is my weight. It's been an issue all my life. I was the fat kid in school. I didn't do some of the things I wanted to in college because my weight caused me to have low self-esteem. And now, as a mother, my weight is an issue again because I'm not able to match my little boy's energy. I don't fit on rides so well. I have a lot of social anxiety that centers around my weight so he doesn't get to go out as often as he probably should.

My weight gets me depressed but I go through cycles. The picture above, although not me, represents me. While I have never been as light as the woman on the right it is something I've strived for in the past. And obviously failed. The woman on the left is more like me now, in shape and sometimes in spirit. I fight with myself about whether or not to accept my fat. Both women have a confident stance. I just wonder when the woman on the left stopped feeling so confident and worked to become the woman on the right. It makes me wonder if she fought the same internal fight I do.

There is a whole group of wonderful women out there who fight for size acceptance. Who love their fat and dress to flatter the bodies they have, not the bodies society wants them to have. I have great fat women role models: Beth Ditto, Camryn Manheim, Faye Daniels, Queen Latifah and I know I'm missing some. All women who rock their plus-size bodies and love their curves. Some weeks I side with them and try to love my body the way it is. But then.....

Other times I feel the sting of fat discrimination. My size limits some of the things I can do and that makes me wish to be smaller. My size causes me some aches and pains. I start looking up "thinspiration" pictures online and those images make me hate myself. I read pro-anorexia blogs to get diet tips. I get desperate. Then I get angry at society for forcing me to hate my fat body. Then I go looking for "acceptance" again.

And the cycle just continues over and over again.

When I was going to the gym on a weekly basis I had almost found a happy medium. I came to terms with the idea that I would always be "big boned" but that I could tone my body and make myself stronger. I tried to focus on what my body could DO, not what it looked like. I felt energetic and better about myself, even if the scale wasn't moving. My muscles were getting firmer and I could feel a change.

Then we quit that gym for various reasons with intentions to join another one, closer to home. But we haven't yet. With news of my husband's impending lay-off we've been hesitant to join another gym because it's a luxury expense and we want to hang onto as much income as we can right now.

I know that I could exercise without a gym but driving to the gym and paying that monthly fee kept us accountable. We have a treadmill in the basement that never gets used. The same type of treadmill that I used to walk for 45 minutes on at the gym. I don't know what the difference is but I always find something else to do, besides exercise. When I was at the gym, the only thing there was to do was exercise.

So what little bit of weight I lost has slowly crept back. When I was exercising I was naturally craving less junk food. Now that I'm not exercising my eating habits are horrible again which leads me down that "fat acceptance" road again. It's another vicious cycle.

And the problem is...which one is right? I want that happy medium. I want to be happy with my body whatever size it is but I want to be healthy too.

For some people it's a matter of willpower but I don't have that and I don't know how to get it. I have so many issues with food which I was at peace with when I was exercising. I started to crave the exercise as much as I craved to eat. But the exercise made me want to eat better things along with the "bad" things. But I didn't guilt myself as much about the "bad" foods because the exercise made it okay to "indulge."

Yeah. My weight, for better or worse, is a big part of my identity. And until I figure out how to come to peace with it, it will haunt every aspect of my life.

Long overdue post

2011-09-27T01:33:00.002-04:00

April. Wow. Jesus. Okay.

I'm supposed to be blogging. Obviously that's not working out so well. I can't really offer any good excuses. I've just been lax about being here. I don't get a lot of private time to write and when I do I often can't get my thoughts together enough to write a good post. So, fuck good. Fuck trying to make a good post. Here's my post. If it's jumbled, incoherent, crazy....well, then it is. Probably because that's the way I've been feeling lately.

I keep going back to this whole "used to be a person" idea. And as much as I miss that girl, I cannot even remember who she was. I have to reinvent her. Me. But I don't know where to start and right now my head is so messed up that the person I am in there isn't the person I want to be.

God I miss smoking.

Shit.

So, I finally got up the nerve to tell a doctor about my emotional/mental issues. It sounded so stupid coming out of my mouth but I told her anyway. I won't bother going into the whole insurance/prescription/repeat visits that we can't afford ass-rape. Suffice it to say I finally told someone and I felt like a little bit of a weight had been lifted but that weight came crashing back down soon enough. And I'm still messed up. Obviously.

This blog was supposed to be so many things for me. Above all it was supposed to be therapy. My little corner of the web where I could be selfish. I could be me. I could say and post anything I wanted. And yet I find myself censoring what I say here because I'm afraid of who might be reading and what are they thinking of me. But....WHY DO I CARE!??!!

So I am assuming I need a therapist. I just have so much going on inside my head that I can't do this alone. But when I try to talk to someone about it I end up sounding like I'm lying or I end up crying my eyes out. Or both. And then I worry about what that person is thinking of me. Ugh. Endless cycle of bullshit and low self-esteem.

I can only assume I have depression or one of its many fucked up cousins. Bi-polar is likely. I've always felt like I was a little bit bi-polar, if one can be just a little bit of something like that. But I was functional. I was living with it and it didn't bother me most of the time. But after having a kid....shit. That is a huge game changer. In so many ways.

So, I wrote myself a journal entry. Something I haven't done in a very long time. It doesn't make a whole lot of sense but that is where I am right now. I feel chaos inside my mind. Emotional chaos and I don't know where to go with it. Here's what I wrote:

Should be sleeping right now....

Okay, writing about myself is hard but I have to do this so I know what to tell the therapist. Haven't done a freewriting since...ah, probably since college. Gotta remember to ignore spelling spacing and such. So what am I going to tell her? And it's gotta be a her.

Smoking. Smoking represents freedom to me. It represents selfishness. My first sacrifice for my would be child was to give up something I loved dearly for something I assumed I would love even more. That sounds terrible. Yeah. Never seem to think of myself as a non-smoker. Or even an ex-smoker. Just a smoker who chose not to smoke that day. That's not the way you're supposed to quit. But I always kind of assumed that my quitting was temporary. I don't know. I miss it alot and it's been years. How many now? Uh, I think......5. Is that right? Can't remember exactly. 5 sounds right.

My sense of self. Ha! That's gone. Who the hell was I before I became this other thing that I am now. A mom. JUST a mom. That's all I feel like. Oh sometimes I feel like a wife too but I never seem to feel like just myself. Couldn't even really tell you who myself is. I miss her like hell. She went out the door with the cigarettes. Every decision I made after that was for my impending child. Pregnancy. Building a family. I have had to think twice ever since. Once for my child, because children are supposed to come first and then once for myself. If I even give myself a thought at all. Mostly I give my husband and my child all the thoughts and myself gets left in the dust. That's not how my husband wants it. Seems like that's how his life is but he can get his own damn therapist. This one is mine.

Ah...what else? My weight. There's a big fat fucking issue right there. No escaping it. I've been fat all my life. ALL my life. I feel like I will always be fat no matter what efforts I put forth. So I feel hopeless about that. I'm a food addict, a secret eater and can't manage to diet at all because I don't like being a "food prisoner" which is another issue I had with pregnancy.

GD. Insulin. High blood pressure pills. Forced c-section for a "large baby" who was breech and refused to move. Do I blame him? I'm not sure. Should I? Will I ever get over this c-section grief? Why does it have to define me? Do I need to have another child for another try at a "real" birth? The first pregnancy didn't last. The second pregnancy was miserable (aside from feeling the baby move around...that was bliss.) Will a third pregnancy be any better? Or worse because I'm getting close to "advanced maternal age?"

So much more to write about the whole c-section bullshit but I'm really tired.....

I had so much running through my mind lying in bed and now I can't remember half of it.

I'm too tired for this right now. Afraid to read what I already typed.

And yeah, I did finally read what I typed.

So, there's that. But where am I? I feel like this doesn't make sense. I keep saying that but it's true.

I'll probably regret this post in the morning. I might not come back here and read it for a while. I don't know.

Well, the girlfriend thing got put on hold. Did I write about that? I can't remember. Anyhow, Husband and I decided to open our marriage up to another woman. We're pursuing a triad. Or, we were. That kind of got put on the back burner because we have some other stressors going on right now. The biggest one being that Husband is losing his job in a few months. So we will go from one-income to none. Hopefully that is temporary. He's already gotten a few people from other companies asking him to work for them. So, if all that falls into place we will be golden. We're still open to the idea of another woman. If the right person comes into our lives we would welcome her. We're just not actively seeking anyone at the moment because of other stuff, not related to our marriage/relationship with a third.

My son is doing fine. He's normal and healthy. He'll be 4 soon and that is a big stressor for me. I always get a little crazy around his birthday time. But that's not important to this post. That's a completely different kind of crazy.

Jesus, so I really blame him for my c-section?

It's almost 2 am. I gotta go to bed. I'm sorry blogland for not checking in sooner. No promises on when I'll write next.

Bentos and Weight Loss Inspiration

2011-04-06T13:49:00.006-04:00

I have followed Shelly's blog for a while now. I originally found her through my search for bento blogs. She makes lovely bentos and posts frequent recipes. But I continued reading her blog for the weight loss inspiration. She has been through gastric bypass surgery and her blog is a personal journal of her weight loss. It's always an enjoyable read for me. And though I have not personally had weight loss surgery I am on a weight loss journey of my own so I can relate to her posts about the mental aspects of it and I appreciate all the healthy recipes she posts.

Right now Shelly is having a giveaway, which she does every so often. Please go and check it out. And please check out some of her recipes. My personal favorite is strawberry cannoli. Yum!

Wordless Wednesday

2011-02-02T16:49:00.002-05:00

My c-section grief

2011-01-28T20:07:00.002-05:00

My son is now 3 years old and the grief I have over my unwanted c-section is still fresh. I never gave myself full permission to grieve or be angry. The above photo speaks volumes. People who have not been through it always want you to just be thankful for a healthy baby and shut up about it. And for a long time that's what I did. How could I not be grateful for a healthy baby?!

And, of course, I am. The thing is....there is a difference between celebrating your new baby's birth and mourning over the birth experience you wish you'd had. Now I know that birth rarely goes as planned and sometimes things happen that are out of your control. But, my child's birth was well-planned out. Everything went as planned, sterile, orchestrated with no major complications along the way. Or so my doctors say. I say differently.

I want to blog about this, but I don't have the time to devote to it fully all at once. So, I might write things out here and there. I can't fully explain it at the moment. I'm going through stuff that is helping me to reclaim my sense of self. Get to know myself better. And one of the things I need to reconcile is my bitterness/anger/sadness over my c-section.

Just know this! My feelings about my c-section have nothing to do with my feelings for my son. My son is my world. I love him and am grateful for every day he is on this planet. BUT, my c-section is a completely different animal and I haven't dealt with it yet. So, I need to start.

The big news

2011-01-17T15:06:00.003-05:00

I wasn't sure if I wanted to be public about this but since this blog is mostly anonymous and it IS supposed to be about the person I was before I became a mother....this seems appropriate.

My husband and I have decided to open our marriage up to another woman.

It was my idea. I am bisexual and the older I get the more interested I am in having a relationship with a woman, something I've never had the chance to do. So, after much soul searching and talking it over we have come to that decision. Our goal is to ultimately have a triad relationship with someone but until then it might be fun to just casually date a few women to see if we like it.

This is a strange thing to be admitting here but....what the hell. The whole point of this blog has been to find my own identity, aside from being a mom. And this is definitely part of that.

I'll write more on this later. Just didn't want to leave everyone hanging any longer. :)

A new year and a big step...

2011-01-09T22:27:00.003-05:00

I just did something big. Oh my gosh....I don't know if I even want to talk about it on this blog or not. I will say, I hope it has a positive impact on my life. For now, I'm really nervous about this decision and hope it's a good one.

More about this later...maybe...if things work out.

Gah!

(No, I'm not pregnant.)

A two cup of coffee kind of day

2010-12-14T15:00:00.002-05:00

Hey all. It's been a while. Not sure what I'm going to write about today. I just felt like writing.

It's so cold here. And windy. The cold itself isn't so bad but the wind just blows right through your coat and chills to the bone. I told Husband that we need to gather up our spare blankets and take them to the homeless shelter. He told me that the shelters have been sitting partly empty because less people are using them. That doesn't make sense to me. He says that it's because the shelters have rules and require you to be drug free when you stay there. He said he supposed that some people would rather face the winter cold than do without their addictions. That breaks my heart. They still need blankets, damn it.

We have only gotten a couple dustings of snow lately. I'm happy about that because I absolutely hate snow. Boo loves it, of course, but as an adult I know how much of a hassle snow is. I want to try to enjoy it and see it through my son's eyes. But shoveling for hours, sliding around on icy roads and seeing the ugly gray mounds that the snow plow pushed aside makes it really difficult for me to enjoy snow.

So, I've started a coffee habit. Probably a bad thing but I had to do something. I found myself getting so tired in the middle of the day. I get plenty of sleep at night but there is a certain time of day when everyone in the house is asleep, even the cat. It's quiet and I'm the only one awake. It's my me time and I love it. Boo is napping in the living room. My husband is softly snoring upstairs and the house is so peaceful. I love the peace and quiet but it's very soothing and makes me sleepy as well.

Sometimes I lay down and nap as well but I found that this made it hard for me to fall asleep at night. So I started drinking a cup of coffee at naptime. It's now my daily ritual. Put Boo down for his nap, fire up the tea kettle, turn on my computer and pour myself a cup of hot water for my instant coffee. I'm the only one who drinks it, so I just buy instant. If I brewed a whole pot it would just go to waste. I'd love one of those Keurig machines or whatever they are, that make individual cups, whatever flavor you want. But they are pretty expensive and there are a lot of other things on my "to buy" list that are ahead of that. So for now, I just drink whatever instant coffee is on sale. Sometimes I get the the flavored International Cafe stuff. That's my favorite. But if I buy plain coffee on sale I make sure to get a flavored creamer. Boo calls this "gorilla milk" because he can't say "vanilla" and he likes me to put it in his milk which I do sometimes for a treat. It's yummy.

I'm totally babbling here. Sorry for that. I just had a few random things in my head and wanted to write them down. This is not a quality post, by any means. Just some......thoughts. Feel free to skip it.

So, today I've been married 10 years. Most of them have been happy years. We enjoyed a lot of time together as a couple before we added a child into the mix. We got married in December "for tax reasons" which Husband insisted on. Then we later had a more traditional wedding ceremony with friends and family present. It wasn't exactly what Husband and I wanted but we compromised on some things because the wedding was more for the family and not us. That sounds like it doesn't make sense but at the time, it did.

Although, if I'm honest, I did always want a big wedding. A traditional wedding with a big white dress and the usual trimmings. But that was not in our budget and not really our taste at the time. I let our mothers make a lot of the decisions on the details because it seemed important to them and wasn't really to me, at the time. However, the flowers were important to me so I got to choose all the flowers I wanted, exactly as I wanted them and I always remember that because Husband told me that cost didn't matter. He wanted me to get any flowers I wanted and not worry about price. It was my only major decision, aside from my dress and it was totally worth it. I loved my wedding flowers.

Let's see...what else to discuss. Well, not really discuss since this is kind of a one-sided deal here. But whatever. It's almost naptime. I should be settling down next to Boo to watch Elmo's World right now. So I will cut this short. Although I may have to write another rambling post later. We'll see how I feel.

Later.

I'm not speaking to my son

2010-11-17T20:17:00.002-05:00

My son, who is now 3, has become quite mean and says things that are hurtful. While I know that it's part of him testing boundaries and not being able to express himself tactfully, it's still hard to hear.

He has started telling Husband and I that he doesn't like us and he wants us to go away. I know what he is trying to say is that he doesn't like what we're doing (making him sit at the dinner table, changing his diaper, enforcing bedtime, etc...) he doesn't say it that way.

Yesterday while trying to change him for bed my Husband got shoved in the chest and told to "go away" by a very angry little boy.

Today I have heard "I don't like you" and "go away" one too many times and it brought me to tears. I have since decided to stop talking to my kid. At least for the evening. I'm not ignoring him completely and I'm talking to him when it's necessary but I find that the less words I use the less likely I am to yell or lose my temper. Who knows if it will work. So far, it's hasn't. But since I can't take his advice and "go away" as tempting as that is. My only recourse is to verbally go away.

Just for today

2010-11-03T17:05:00.004-04:00

(A repeat list with new answers)

This is a list that I have seen on many of the blogs that I read so I thought I would post my own.

FOR TODAY... November 03, 2010

Outside my window...the Halloween decorations are still up but should be coming down this week.

I am thinking...that I need a break from the internet because it causes me too much stress.

I am wearing...Pink plaid jammy pants and a brown t-shirt.

I am creating...nothing at the moment but just received a picture order in the mail so some scrapbooking is in my near future.

I am going...no where this evening.

I am reading...a book called "Life-Size" about a girl who is undergoing treatment for anorexia.

From the kitchen...tonight we will have spicy pork chops with mashed potatoes and some random veggies. Probably steamed baby spinach, steamed carrots and some corn. I'm also making mushroom gravy, at Husband's request.

Around the house...toys are scattered everywhere, my grocery list is calling me, the dishes need to be washed and the floor needs to be swept. When my internet time is done for the day, I'll be working through all of that.

From my picture files...my current desktop wallpaper.

Kitty cat candle holder

2010-10-21T18:02:00.001-04:00

I love this one. Just a small thing but makes a big impression when lit.

Another decoration

2010-10-20T18:48:00.002-04:00

This is a mini one. I bought this when I was pregnant, nearly due. Of course because our son's nickname in the womb was Boo. :)

Oh my goodness!

2010-10-18T17:14:00.003-04:00

Where have I been!? I'm sorry for the not-so-brief interruption of my Halloween countdown. My son's birthday party was this past weekend and I kind of got caught up in the madness. LOL!

Well, back to the coundtown. I thought it might be fun to post pictures of some of my Halloween decorations. This little froggy was bought on clearance (my favorite thing) last year.

Such a sweet face!

Hey look! Something shiny!

2010-10-12T19:07:00.001-04:00

http://www.etsy.com/listing/58211455/dead-lolita-halloween-cameo-earrings

Favorites?

2010-10-11T20:08:00.001-04:00

What is your favorite thing about Halloween?

Costumes

2010-10-10T20:24:00.002-04:00

Missed a post yesterday and don't really have anything prepared for today. If anyone is reading this, here's a link to some awesome homemade costume ideas.

http://www.coolest-homemade-costumes.com/

The Halloween Tree

2010-10-08T19:44:00.003-04:00

Another favorite seasonal book. Click the picture to buy it from Amazon.

Candy Corn

2010-10-07T18:32:00.003-04:00

I am always fascinated by how things are made, especially food items. Here is a fun article about how we get that ever-so-popular fall candy.

Pumpkin Carving

2010-10-06T18:56:00.003-04:00

Just isn't what it used to be.....

Here is a website with some really unique and "extreme" pumpkins.

(click the pic)

Gross Food

2010-10-05T18:47:00.003-04:00

One of my favorite things about Halloween is the gross food at parties. The above is a cake. A thorax cake. Awesome.

Be sure and click the pic to see how it was done.

Martha

2010-10-04T19:17:00.003-04:00

Say what you will about Martha Stewart, but the woman does Halloween right! Here is a very cool looking outdoor decoration to try. (Click on the picture to take you there.)

Candy? Jewelry? What's not to like?!

2010-10-03T01:51:00.005-04:00

One of my favorite fall treats is candy corn. If you've ever read Cake Wrecks (and if you haven't, you're missing out) you'll recognize this crafty blogger. This is from the twisted mind of Jen. She is not the sum total of her wrecky parts. (wait....what?!) Anyhow, she has started a new blog called Epbot which chronicles her sheer geekiness. She also does awesome crafty things like make jewelry out of candy and pressed pennies. Check her out. You won't be sorry!

Boo!

2010-10-02T22:33:00.003-04:00

I'm so excited that my son is excited for Halloween this year. He had fun trick or treating last year but didn't really "get it." This year he knows it's coming and is anxious to dress up and go TorTing. We went to a street fair today with a Halloween theme and he got to do some practice trick or treating. He really loved that.

Books are a big hit in this house, especially seasonal books. We have a lot of Halloween books since Boo is an October baby. This is one that my mother recently picked up for him. He loves it. He has part of it memorized which surprised me!

It's a cute little book about a ghost who can't say Boo! He can say other words like Moo and Coo but can't seem to say Boo. It's already Halloween night and his brothers and sisters want him to join them in scaring people but who's ever heard of a ghost who can't say Boo!?

Trick or Treat....which do you prefer?

2010-10-01T22:29:00.001-04:00

Treats! One of the best things about Halloween is the treats. Stroll on over to Bakerella's site to see some very cute, very yummy and very easy to make Halloween cake pops.

First Halloween Post

2010-09-30T19:49:00.003-04:00

I couldn't resist making my first Halloween post right now. First up is Mrs. B's 31 Days of Halloween! Mrs. B does it up right. So if you're a Halloween lover, go visit her. You won't be disappointed!

It's almost October!

2010-09-30T19:32:00.003-04:00

Since having an October baby, it has become my favorite month. It contains Boo's birthday and another favorite day of mine-HALLOWEEN!! I love Halloween so much. It's fun, there's no stress, no expectation of gifts, no big fancy meal. Just candy, costumes and creepy stuff.

In celebration of Halloween, I'm going to try to post a Halloween/Autumn craft or recipe each day in October. They won't be originals, just my favorite things from across the web. Please feel free to post your own in the comments as well!

Happy Autumn!

Hello friends!

2010-09-07T02:33:00.002-04:00

Bloggity blog blog blog. I'm up late and have some quiet time so I thought I'd do a quick post. Unfortunately I don't really have anything to post about. Whoops.

Let's see.....we had a long weekend for the holiday. Boo stayed overnight with his grandparents on Friday so Husband and I had a date night. The afternoon was nice. We went out for sushi and then went to see a movie. Good stuff. Then the evening came. I don't want to get into the how or why but we got into a fight. A big one. It's rare that we argue much at all, so this was a major upset for our kid-free evening. We ended up giving each other the silent treatment until nearly bedtime. But we cannot go to bed angry so we attempted to make up. But I have to be honest and say that there were still some hurt feelings on my part, and on his as well. But we went to sleep anyway.

There was still some tension between us the next day when we went to my parent's house for a cookout, and to pick up Boo. But by Sunday things were fine. Sunday we took Boo to see his first big screen movie. Toy Story 3 was playing at the discount theater and weekend matinees are only $1! Can't beat that! He enjoyed it, although it was very loud. Not sure why movie theaters have the volume up so much.

The movie I went to see on Saturday was "Eat, Pray, Love." I absolutely adore the book and I adore Julia Roberts so I was excited to see it. It's rare that I go to the movies at all so seeing two theater movies this weekend was definitely an anomoly for me!

Anyway, seeing (and reading) "Eat, Pray, Love" got me thinking about my sense of self. Do I even have one? Where am I since becoming a mother? I had a better sense of self when I was only a wife. It was more about being selfish with my free time (when I had free time!) Doing what I wanted to, or only having to ask the opinion of one person (Husband).

But when you're a mom all that selfishness goes out the window. You can't do anything on the fly anymore. Time for you alone is a thing of the past. You have to think twice for everything you do. Once for yourself and once for your child. It can be exhausting. Especially when you crave that time alone to remember who you used to be and you don't get it.

I feel like I always have to clarify this and say I love being a mother. I would not trade time with my son for anything! But if you are a mom you know exactly what I'm talking about. Just because you have children does not mean you are only a mother and no longer your own person. You deserve...I deserve to know ME again. If that makes any sense.

I recently suggested to Husband that we take separate vacations next year. Just mini-vacations that would not be huge budget breakers. I want to go to a spa. Just for a day, by myself. Not a girls weekend, not a mother/daughter thing. Just me. Alone. He thought that was so strange. He couldn't understand why I'd want to be alone. But it's because I am never alone in my day to day life. I am with my son at all times. I'm a stay at home mother who is never without my kid.

Yes I get to run the odd errand alone and sometimes I even get a few hours to myself to do whatever I want but for the most part, my child is always with me whether we're home or out and about. So it would be a nice change for me to have a day, or even an entire weekend, to reconnect with myself. To remember who I was.

Once I explained it to him like that, he agreed. So hopefully it will happen for me, maybe next spring. We will see if finances will allow for it. I would be thrilled just to have a day to myself, even if the spa is not affordable for us. Just a day to do whatever I wanted would be great!

Ah, it felt good to get that out. Sorry for the rant but if you're a mom you've been there too. :)

A long time

2010-08-21T19:11:00.005-04:00

Once again I am in awe at the bounty of the earth. It's been too long since we'd been to the farmer's market so this morning we went. Tomato season is my favorite time of year, as far as produce goes. And it is so fleeting that I don't even mind paying the crazy prices for these precious heirloom tomatoes. When they are gone, I will only have the memory of how good they tasted. I still crave the delicious little flavor bombs we got in our CSA bag last year. Sadly, we opted out of our CSA this year for various reasons. But we miss it so much that I'm researching new farms and we're planning to sign up again next year!

Today's glorious haul. Plus a grocery bag full of peaches that didn't make it into the picture.

So, it's been too long since I blogged. I have finally lost some weight. Weight loss has not come easy to me, which makes it all the more frustrating to keep trudging to the gym every week. Thinking that it won't make a difference. I had been losing and gaining the same 2-4 pounds but I have finally gotten over that hump. I have lost a total of six pounds which doesn't sound like much but in addition to all the other benefits I've gotten from the exercise, I'm pleased.

Some things I have noticed and tried to focus on, when weight loss seemed an impossible goal:

-No more knee pain! I used to have terrible knee pain every day. Making it difficult to get down to my son's level, get up from the couch and even to walk. Since exercising faithfully, the knee pain is gone!

-I've lost inches. I haven't been measuring my inches but I can tell some is off by the way my clothes feel.

-I look more toned. I'm still quite fat but I can see parts of my body starting to tone up, especially my legs and thighs which is a wonderful sight to see!

-I used to get frequent heartburn but that is almost gone. I don't know if it's the exercise or the change in diet but it's a blessing either way.

Speaking of a change in diet: there hasn't been anything drastic or sudden. Just a gradual shift to make better choices and eat smaller portions. Not every day is good but I'm finding that my habits are changing.

Some things I've noticed recently:

-I bought a candy bar at the grocery store a few days ago. Decided to cut it in half and cut the half into small pieces. I ate that half and was completely satisfied with it. I didn't even bother finishing the other half until today and I was again satisfied with the smaller portion. The old me would have eaten that candy bar in four big gluttonous bites.

-I can't finish a pint of ice cream anymore. I can barely eat half. It's just too sweet. If I do over indulge, my body lets me know it with an upset stomach and some GI revenge. Not worth it.

-Greasy food is less appealing. One of my (previously) favorite foods were buffalo wings, dripping in blue cheese. I haven't had it for a while because restaurant wings are so expensive and it's a pain to make at home. But yesterday I had the chance to order some. I also ordered a side salad. I ate four wings and couldn't stand to eat anymore. The salad I finished happily.
Today I finished the leftover wings but just barely. They were just so greasy that I felt gross after eating them and left a lot of meat still on the bone.

-My mother brought us a bag of homemade cookies yesterday. I ate three over the course of the day. One at a time. Not three all at once and then three again two hours later and three again before bedtime, like I used to do.

So, even though I've only lost six pounds I'm seeing other changes happening to me without my really trying aside from the exercise. We were blessed to receive a treadmill for free so now we can exercise at home as well on the days we are off from the gym.

That's all for now. Just wanted to post a little about my progress. :)

Letting it go

2010-07-08T16:26:00.005-04:00

I've been writing this post in my head, trying to find a brief way to tell you this. But there really isn't a brief way because I'm not a brief story kind of girl. So, here goes.

Even though I'm an animal lover, I'm not a big fan of household pets. Pets and children are messy. I chose to have a child and I happily clean up after him and teach him how to clean up after himself. He is more than willing to help and is very tidy for a toddler. Pets on the other hand can rarely be counted on to clean up after themselves and cause constant messes. Some pets even PREFER to live in a mess. I can't live with that so for a while we've had no pets.

Husband and I had a cat in our first apartment, many years ago. But she was a family cat and she lived in that apartment before I did so I didn't have any say in the decision. Without telling numerous side stories I will just say that she and I did not get along. Not at all. She was messy. She got into things she wasn't supposed to be into. She destroyed stuff. Whether it was stress or her being mischevious or her just being a cat....I don't know. I didn't care at the time. I just knew that she drove me crazy. Most messes I could live with but she loved to walk all over my kitchen counters, lick the dirty dishes in the sink and sit on top of the refrigerator.

I know that this is normal cat behaviour but it drove me up the wall. The rest of my house might not be neat and clean but my kitchen is always clean. The countertops may be cluttered but they are not dirty. Having filthy cat feet walking all over my counters made me angrier than anything else she did.

Some people argue that cats are very clean animals but having lived with several cats I don't agree. They clean themselves with their own spit. They walk around in the same box that they defecate in and they puke or spit up hairballs on a regular basis. Not clean. I have even seen our current cat laying down in her dirty litter box. Then she wants to cuddle with my son?! It makes me gag.

So, anyhow, yeah. I just mentioned our current cat. After living with a cat who made me crazy and trying every method I knew of to keep her off my kitchen counters, I put my foot down and said no more cats when we moved. Husband agreed at the time because the apartment we were moving to wanted an extra $100 a month in "pet rent" which was something we could not afford at the time. So, that cat went to live with Husband's sister. She's in a loving home and is very fat and happy now. I'm glad. I'm especially glad that she no longer lives with me.

On to our current cat....I agreed to getting her last year. Husband was itching to have a pet again, having grown up in a house full of animals. I decided to give a pet another chance. This time it was a kitten. She was playful and crazy. Sometimes loving, sometimes wild. But she seemed to fit in our family okay.

Now that she's gotten older, she's able to jump higher and do more things. One of those things has recently been exploring my kitchen counters. The very thing that made me most upset about our last cat. Yes, I KNOW it's normal cat behaviour. But it's normal ME behaviour to want my countertops to stay clean. So, I get upset and angry every time I catch her up there. Today she knocked something down and that was the last straw for me. I argued with Husband about it. I said very mean and hurtful things about the cat. Threatening to get rid of her, poison her, throw her out. I was steaming.

But, I have recently been reading some things that are slowly changing the way I think and react to my family. I have been known in this household for my quick temper, my over-the-top anger and my lack of patience. I'm ashamed to say that but it's true. So I have been purposefully trying to change that and keep it in check.

One of the things these readings are teaching me is patience and the strength to let go of anger. After fuming to Husband for a while and re-cleaning my counters (after having done a deep clean a few days ago) I stopped what I was doing and realized that Husband was really upset with me. He was keeping quiet but after being married nearly ten years I could tell he was not happy.

I went to him and, in as gentle a voice as I could muster, I asked him if he was in fact upset with me. He said no but I told him I knew better. He admitted that he was upset with me and he just wished that his family could get along. Meaning me and the cat. Sigh.

I have to tell you that this started to make me angry again. Thinking of that dirty animal as family. Equating her with ME. His wife! But I walked away, took a deep breath and accepted it. Just like that. I swallowed that anger because it wasn't necessary. I was still upset but I tried to see it from his perspective. He had loved all his pets like family. Still talking fondly of childhood pets as if they were siblings. He was hurt and I knew I had caused it.

I apologized and said that if he thought of her as family and she was only doing what cats do then I would just have to accept that and make up for it by cleaning more often. It won't hurt me to clean more often, if I'm bothered by dirty countertops. Certainly I'm not going to encourage her to climb up there but if she does I'm going to simply shoo her away, gently, and then wipe up after.

It actually felt good to let it go. To let something bother me that I simply can't change was eating me alive and affecting other areas of my life. Stress that I was causing myself. Well, no more. Only I can change the way I handle things like this and it made for a much more peaceful day when I humbled myself enough to apologize (only to him, not to the cat!) and tried to let it go.

On our way to the grocery store today, after the incident, I was very quiet. I was still feeling some anger over the situation but I was doing my best to get over it. When we arrived at the store, Husband asked me if something was wrong. I quietly told him that I was trying to let it go. He said, "I appreciate that." And with those words I knew that I had chosen the right thing to do. I'm still not a big fan of the cat but I am a big fan of my husband and I want to make him happy and help to contribute to a peaceful household. Accepting the cat's natural instinct to climb up high is a big step for me. I hope I can continue.

Yeah yeah yeah

2010-07-04T18:13:00.002-04:00

I'm here. Just trying to get caught up on life and back into the groove after a much needed vacation. Haven't been to the gym in two weeks but getting back on the wagon (aka treadmill) tomorrow and back to our normal schedule. Thank goodness! I like vacations but I like routine too and I miss it.

That whole "no longer co-sleeping" post. Yeah, scratch that. He did okay while we were away but I think he's afraid we're going to leave again and he won't stay in his own bed. He sneaks into our bed, so I'm not fighting him anymore. I need sleep and I get the most sleep when he's with me. So, that's the end of that.

Wordless Wednesday

2010-06-16T12:34:00.002-04:00

We are no longer co-sleeping

2010-06-15T18:10:00.002-04:00

At least temporarily. Some people have decided that it was time for Boo to move into his own bed. Since Boo was one of those people we have converted his barely used crib into a toddler bed. I'm not thrilled with this. I've gotten used to sleeping with him and I miss him when he's not there. He will be sleeping with me tonight because he's sick and he needs me but otherwise he seems excited about sleeping alone. :(

He is still spending part of the night with me. For some reason, he won't stay asleep in his own bed. When we co-sleep, we BOTH get a full night's sleep. Now that he's alone, if he wakes up he won't go back to sleep. So he either calls for me or comes into my room. I have tried to coax him back to sleep but it usually doesn't work and he ends up sleeping the remainder of the night with me. Which just proves to me that he's not really ready to sleep alone. I was against it but I'm the only one. Time will tell.

I bought a belt!

2010-06-14T15:41:00.001-04:00

May not seem like a big deal to some but I've never owned a belt before and now I need one because......MY PANTS ARE TOO BIG!!! Woohooo!!

At the gym, Day Eleven

2010-06-11T17:11:00.003-04:00

Oops, looks like I missed posting on Day Ten. We did go to the gym, I just forgot to log on and chat about it. I actually think I'm going to stop posting about the gym so much because, well, we go. We work out. We come home. There's not much to tell.

I am hurting today though. I worked really hard on the strength training machines but shorted myself on cardio. I feel like the strength training and the toning is more important to me than being bored on the treadmill or bike for 20 minutes. So, I will still do some cardio each time but will focus on lifting weights for now. I
actually enjoy (some) of the weight machines. Cardio is just boring. LOL! Besides, the whole point of cardio is to get your heart rate up and burn calories. I sweat and get my heart rate up on the weight machines as well, so it's all the same to me.

Husband was recently diagnosed with high cholesterol, on top of already having high blood pressure. So, now he's taking yet another medication for that. I hope that with more weight loss those medications can go away. He goes back in two months to be re-checked for cholesterol.

We recently upgraded our cable tv and now have digital. I found out that our OnDemand menu features a lot of workout videos so I've been exploring those. I've always been interested in yoga but was afraid to take a class. Now I have free yoga videos on my tv to guide me. I tried to do one yesterday and today but Boo likes to "help" me exercise to I didn't get through it all.

I really like that Boo is started to get interested in trying different exercises. He knows that Mommy and Daddy go to the gym to exercise but he just hangs out in the play room. He does get some exercise there though. Sometimes the childcare staff take the kids to the gymnasium and let them kick balls or just run around. He loves doing that.

The OnDemand menu also offers some kids exercise videos so he likes those but his attention span for it is very short. Well, he's almost 3 so I don't expect him to stick with it for long. He will do a few minutes and then be ready to move on to something else but I think that's normal.

I really want Boo to grow up thinking that exercise is a normal part of daily life, not something you do out of obligation but something you do because it's good for you. I've lived too many years hating the idea of exercise and now that I'm actually doing it, I love it (most of the time). And I don't feel like it's a chore, although I do have days where I wake up and dread going to the gym but I go anyway and once I'm there I enjoy it (most of the time.) ;) But I want him to know that exercise is a great thing to do for yourself and can be a part of every day life. But that it doesn't have to take place in a gym, although we need that kind of structure right now to make us accountable. Eventually (and even now I'm starting to do this) we will exercise outside of the gym because we have more energy and want to move more. And we won't even consider it exercise. We'll just like being more active and it will be a normal part of our day. That's my big-picture goal.

At the gym, Day Nine

2010-06-07T15:47:00.001-04:00

So, if anyone is actually following this you'll notice that we skipped a gym day last Friday. It's because we had to go out of town but we made up for the lost exercise by walking all day at an amusement park. And we're back to the gym today for our regularly scheduled workout. Doing fine. The scale hasn't moved yet but I think I am definitely losing inches. I bought a much smaller size in a dress than I expected, over the weekend. So that felt really good. It's hard to ignore the numbers on the scale, even though I am seeing small changes in my body finally.

At the gym, Day Eight

2010-06-02T15:32:00.002-04:00

On Monday I had a really bad attitude about exercising. I'm getting frustrated because I thought (foolishly) that the weight would come off easily in the beginning if I just started exercising. From no exercise to the gym three times a week. I expected some progress to happen already. But this is the middle of week three and the scale is still stuck on the same number. I'm not sure how long it's supposed to take before weight starts to come off, so no doubt my expectations are unrealistic.

Anyhow, I started out today in a foul mood and resenting going to the gym. But I felt guilty because on Monday I didn't really try very hard and was just going through the motions. Today I mentally kicked myself in the butt because I know there is really no way to see progress if I just go through the motions. So, today I stepped up the weights on the strength training machines, I got back on the elliptical and I actually pushed myself today. So today, I did good. Friday I will do better.

I'm also trying very hard to change my thinking. I want so badly to ignore the numbers on the scale and just focus on how I feel. But I get so hung up on the numbers that I have been weighing myself every day and coming away disappointed. So I did not step on the scale today and I am going to try to only weigh myself once a week like Husband does. I am hoping to be pleasantly surprised when I weigh myself next Monday.

I wonder if I need an extra boost from a weight loss supplement or a drastic change to my diet? I have read so many studies, articles, advice columns that say if you make small changes you can see big results. But I have made some of those small changes (giving up all drinks except water, eating more fruits and vegetables, cutting out ice cream, etc.) and they seem to make no difference in my weight loss (or lack thereof.) So as a result I'm still considering bariatric surgery or another extreme measure. But I promised myself I would give it a month. Two more weeks to go and if I still feel like I'm getting no where, I'm scheduling a consult with my doctor about lap band surgery.

At the gym, Day Seven

2010-05-31T16:15:00.002-04:00

I am tired today and felt a lot of anger about my obligation to exercise. I did it anyhow, but I hated every moment of it, skipped five minutes of my cardio and rushed home as soon as we were done. Just didn't want to be there today. This is why I need a workout partner (my husband) so we can tell each other "too bad" when one of us doesn't want to do it. And he encouraged me to keep moving, which was annoying at the time but it's what we agreed to do. So, blah. I did it, it's done. Hopefully I will feel more into it on Wednesday.

Part of the reason I am starting to resent it is that I haven't seen the scale move at all. I know it's only been two weeks but how long until I see some progress? Husband is losing and he's doing LESS exercise than I am. I added several new strength training machines to my routine and am hoping that helps get the scale moving in the right direction. I am giving this BS a month before I talk to my doctor about bariatric surgery. I wanted it before this but Husband insisted that we try to lose "the old fashioned way" first. If my weight is still the same at the end of the next two weeks, something even more drastic needs to happen.

At the gym, Day Six

2010-05-28T17:57:00.000-04:00

Feeling very tired today. Had a good workout, but had to struggle to finish. Going to take a nap with Boo now. Peace out.

Feeling energetic!

2010-05-26T11:29:00.002-04:00

So, I stayed up until 4 am last night (this morning!) but since Boo woke me up at 9:30, here I am. I was actually feeling pretty energetic when I woke up. So far today I have vaccuumed the upstairs, put in a load of laundry and tidied up the kitchen. Now I'm frying bacon for the wraps we're going to have at lunch. Husband is out doing some volunteer work right now, so I hope to have lunch all prepped by the time he gets home. I hope to get some coupons filed today as well. I'm really behind on that. Whoops.

Confession Time

2010-05-26T01:10:00.002-04:00

This is one of those middle of the night things that I just have to get off my chest.

Dear Son,
I can't be the nice parent all the time. I'm sorry if you don't like that. I don't really like myself when I get angry with you. I feel ashamed of the way I react sometimes. I hope you don't end up in therapy because of me.
Love,
Mom

At the gym, Day Five

2010-05-25T20:47:00.004-04:00

This was not our regular gym day but we have prior obligations tomorrow and rather than skip a workout, we went today. I am happy with what I did today. I have added several new strength traning machines to my circuit and we have upped our cardio a little bit. 25 minutes of cardio and 2-3 sets of strength training. (On some machines, I did four sets.) I feel like I have to step it up a bit more if I'm going to see any progress.

One interesting note, today for the first time, Husband was outnumbered in the strength training room! He was the only man in there. Everyone else was female. Not that he minded of course. LOL! It was nice to not be the only woman there finally!

I have to comment on how energized I felt after the gym today. It was a great feeling! So, even though I haven't seen any weight loss yet, I am noticing other changes. I don't have knee pain anymore either. Yeah!!

At the gym, Day Four

2010-05-24T16:30:00.005-04:00

Ah Mondays. Today was the start of our second week at the gym. I worked really hard today and felt good about it. I tried a few new machines and went a little longer on cardio than we'd done before. Definitely a good workout today. It was nice to see more women in the strength training area today. Also quite a few seniors, which is a nice change from the buff 20-somethings that are usually there. It got quite busy around noon, which I assume means that a lot of people work out during their lunch hour.

I wanted to post a picture of someone who inspires me. Ruby Gettinger. If you don't know who Ruby is go here: http://www.mystyle.com/mystyle/shows/ruby/index.jsp

We are heading back to the gym tomorrow, instead of Wednesday, because of prior obligations. And we'll be back to our usual schedule on Friday. Although I'm debating whether I should go an extra day on Thursday. Maybe just for some cardio?

I have to share this because it's just one of the many bumps in the road. My husband's weight loss since last Monday: 4 and a half pounds. My own: zero. Now I know that it's normal for men to lose weight faster and I know that I will start to lose soon as well but I have to be honest and say that it's completely de-motivating when you're doing the same exercises and eating basically the same foods (sometimes heatlhier foods) as your spouse and yet, your scale doesn't budge. Why? Whywhywhy?!

At the gym, Day Three

2010-05-21T16:18:00.003-04:00

I ended up working out alone today because Husband had to stay home with Boo. Husband will go to the gym tomorrow morning to get his workout. I have to say, I hated exercising alone. I listened to music the whole time because I had no one to talk to and I rushed through the exercises because I just didn't want to be there. We had a bad morning and so being at the gym alone only dampened my spirits.

I barely got to five minutes on the elliptical, and I had to pause several times to even get to that five minute mark. The music just didn't seem to motivate me today like it did last time. Although being in a bad mood before I even got there certainly didn't help either. I tried to shake it off and just keep moving. I did okay, but I didn't feel like I had worked very hard when I left. Even though I did the same stuff as last time.

I'm really starting to get bothered by the fact that I'm exercising in a room full of men when I do my strength training circuit. I was really feeling self-conscious today being there by myself. And not only was I the only woman in the weights area, I was the fattest person in the whole place today. Ugh! At least when Husband is with me, I feel protected in a way because we're in it together. Today I just felt vulnerable. I guess I just need to get over it. I tried to just concentrate on the music and do what I needed to do. Ignoring everybody else. It's hard though.

Well, two days off (the weekend) for me and then back again on Monday. I'd like to try and get a walk in somewhere this weekend.

That's all for now. Peace out!

At the gym, Day Two

2010-05-19T19:05:00.004-04:00

I don't want this to turn into a weight loss blog but I do want to track my progress here. For one thing, it makes me accountable and it's motivating as well.

My cardio times improved a lot today. Last week I barely made it three minutes on the elliptical machine but today I went for five and a half minutes. It was music. I made a workout playlist on my ipod and I took it along today. Listening to music while doing my cardio work was so helpful. The beat just makes you WANT to move!

So I did five minutes on the elliptical and fifteen minutes on the bike (five to warm up and then ten at the end of our workout.) By the end I wasn't sure I could make it ten minutes on the bike but that's how long Husband wanted to try for so I went along with it. We biked side by side. And I was surprised at how quickly ten minutes went by. Again, it was the music.

So, in addition to the cardio we did two rounds on the strength training machines. We do eight different exercises, five upper body and three lower. Although I may have to switch it around a little bit. One of the leg exercises aggravates an already bad knee. So I might have to skip that one and just do extra time on another machine to make up the difference. I don't want to injure myself and put a stall on my workouts.

I also found that I needed to lower the weight on some machines during our second round, but for a beginner like me I think that's probably normal. I still try hard to get all the reps in, just at a slightly lower weight.

I do feel a little awkward because it seems like I'm the only woman using the strength training equipment. So, exercising in a room full of men is a little intimidating. There are lots of women in the cardio area but in the back where the weight machines are, it's mostly men. Except for me. I hope it's not like that every week. I know I'm just being self-conscious and they probably don't even notice but it still feels a little strange.

I don't want to get ahead of myself since this was only our second trip to the gym. I've never been able to stick with an exercise program before but I am proud of myself for the work I did today and even though I'm going to be sore tomorrow, I look forward to going back next time.

For now, we are only going three days a week until we are more used to it. I don't have any long range goals right now. It's too hard to think that far ahead. Ideally I'd like to lose 100 pounds or more. I would still be technically overweight even if I lost 100 pounds but I would feel 1000 times better, I know.

My first main goal is just to get moving and make our gym trips into a habit. After I start to see some weight come off, I'll set a bigger goal but for now I just want to carry out our commitment to move.

I do want to say, I feel like something has changed inside me. I used to watch weight loss success stories and hear people say that they just got to a point that losing weight was their only option. I never understood that and I wondered how or if I would ever feel that way. But I get it now. I never in my life looked forward to exercising before and now that I'm doing it...it feels good and I can't wait to go back and do it again. Even while I'm there and I'm sweating and struggling to get through those last few reps or finish my five minutes on the machine....it hurts but it feels good too. It feels good to see what my body can do. It feels good to sweat and even though I feel tired when I'm done, I also feel proud and accomplished.

I guess I just feel like being fat is not an option for me anymore. I've spent my entire life (including childhood) being the fat kid and it sucks. It really really sucks. I don't want it for myself and I don't want it for my son. I have to be a good example for him and I have to make myself better. There is no other way for me to live anymore.

At the gym, Day One

2010-05-17T14:44:00.001-04:00

Today was our first day at the gym. We learned how to use the machines, were given a suggested workout and were able to get in 15 minutes of cardio. Three sets at five minutes each. I left there feeling good. We go back on Wednesday to start the actual exercise routine. I was able to work up a sweat today. Next time I will be working even harder.

The most weight I can lift on the strength training machines right now is between 20-40 pounds, depending on the machine. 30 is the average. Which makes sense because Boo weighs about 34 pounds right now and I am used to lifting him several times a day.

I hope to be successful with this.

Today is the day...

2010-05-17T09:27:00.003-04:00

Husband and I joined a gym. We are both overweight and it's time for a change. I'm scared and nervous. My weight this morning was 260 pounds. I have never put that number in print before so it's a little bit overwhelming. But I want to record it as my starting point so that in a month from now I can write a smaller number and compare the two.

I didn't take a before picture yet. I will. But I'm not going to post it until I see some progress.

Wish me luck!

Happy belated Mother's Day!

2010-05-16T15:45:00.002-04:00

Husband kind of dropped the ball on a Mother's Day gift this year. He was supposed to take Boo out and pick up a potted daisy, which is what I asked for. Somehow, it never happened. But we did go out to a very nice lunch and I got to enjoy just spending time with my guys and that's all I was really concerned about.

I did buy myself some flowers a few days before Mother's Day, because I had a coupon. They have lasted a long while now. They are still looking fresh and pretty. :)

Hope all my readers had a nice mother's day as well.

Probably not so brief update

2010-05-02T09:39:00.003-04:00

I read PostSecret every Sunday and today's secrets were great as usual but this one really hit a nerve with me. It's something I can only dream of doing, for now. I have always wondered what it would be like to live alone and the idea of living in a whole new place, getting outside of my comfort zone.....it's scary and exciting at the same time.

More updates:

-We're painting our kitchen.

-I have a sore throat today.

-Getting my husband to do projects around the house is like pulling teeth.

-Bathing suit shopping is making me hate myself. A lot.

-We've been eating out almost every day for lunch. Out of laziness, convenience, because it's more fun than eating at home......etc. But I feel guilty that I'm not providing those meals for my family, because it's my job to cook around here and I'm taking the easy way out.

-Despite eating out at restaurants too often, we still spend $100+ a week on groceries but never seem to have any food in the house. (That's not true of course....the food we have just requires a little effort.)

-The cat is licking my toes right now and it feels very weird.

-I had more to say but I'm getting interrupted by a toddler, so I can't think. :(

Later....

Sign the petition!

2010-04-22T18:43:00.002-04:00

Another confession

2010-04-14T18:19:00.000-04:00

Today for lunch I ate french fries with ketchup and that was all. Oh what a great example I am setting for my son. :(

Confession Time

2010-04-13T18:30:00.005-04:00

-Today the weather is crappy. The television has been babysitting my child all day so I can get chores done. The chores are only half done and I'm screwing around online. Shame on me. I've been feeling extra guilty about this so I wanted to get it off my chest and hopefully somebody else will say that they've done the same thing and I shouldn't feel guilty. Or flame me and tell me I SHOULD feel guilty. Whatever. You'll never beat me up as much as I beat myself up.

-I get sick of my husband's presence sometimes. I love him, but sometimes he annoys me and I just want him out of my hair.

-I feel the same way about my son at least once a day.

-I can only assume they feel the same way about me sometimes too.

-I eat until I'm sick sometimes and I don't know how to stop. I want badly to lose the extra weight but I have no idea how to eat right. Food is an addiction and I haven't found a cure. How do you stop eating? Food is essential to life. Quitting smoking was easier because I didn't need cigarettes to survive. Everyone needs food, so how do you quit it?

-I had a few hours by myself yesterday morning and it was glorious. What did I do? I read, I washed dishes, I did laundry, I spent time online, I watched junk tv, I ate junk food and I cleaned/rearranged my spiritual corner. I also started peeling the wallpaper off my kitchen walls. That stuff is hideous and I don't know what the previous owners were thinking. But shamefully we have been here for six years and have done nothing to change it. The time is now.

Any tips on making wallpaper removal easier?

Tooting my own horn

2010-03-22T15:15:00.007-04:00

Some days I feel like time slips away from me and I can't get anything done. Other days I just feel lazy or have an extra needy toddler on my hands. And then some days (like today) I wake up feeling like super woman and I get tons of stuff done.

So, sing it with me: it's my blog and I'll brag if I want to. ;)

It all started last night. I decided I wanted to bake something. Husband was having pasta with meatballs for his work meal, so I wanted to make rolls for him. But I didn't have a lot of time and I didn't have the energy to do all the kneading and extra stuff that comes with making bread. So I decided to make biscuits. Garlic cheddar biscuits actually. A very close cousin to the ones you get at Red Lobster. They were easy and they were tasty.

While I was working in the kitchen, I decided I better get the dishes done before bedtime. I hate waking up to a sink full of dirty dishes. So I got those taken care of. Then I decided to prep some beets that I had bought at the store earlier in the day. I trimmed them up, washed the beets and the beet greens and got them in the fridge. Now they are ready to cook with tomorrow's pot roast. After that, we went to bed. But I was kind of on a roll, so I was making a list in my mind of all the things I wanted to accomplish the next morning.

It helps that I got up early. Usually I sleep kind of late, so by the time I'm showered and dressed and my son is bathed and dressed and we're actually downstairs....it's nearly lunchtime. Today, I got up and showered while he still slept. I went downstairs by myself to start some food prep. Once he woke up, I got him dressed and we ate breakfast. (Daddy brought home donuts, so breakfast was easy today.)

After breakfast, the little guy stayed at the table and played with some lacing animals and his mini chalkboard while I got our dinner in the crockpot. I also made some apple puree to use in my baking. He eventually got bored at the table, so I got him down and he raided his toy box for something to do. Normally he would start his day watching cartoons but I felt like he needed a tv free morning today. He didn't complain about the tv staying off, so I didn't offer it. If he had asked for it, I might have given in. But it's good to have a screen free morning once in a while.

While I continued working in the kitchen, Husband was busy trying to book our summer vacation on the computer. (more on the vacation later, but we are very excited.) Eventually it was time to change a dirty diaper, so we went upstairs to the little guy's room to change him. Then we worked on some puzzles and he played with his upstairs toys. (we have toys in his bedroom and in the living room so he has toys on both levels of the house and it keeps the mess under control. Every few months, I switch the toys around so they get equal play since we spend the majority of our time on the main level of the house.)

After the dirty diaper I let him play upstairs while I went down to the dining room to work on some homeschool projects. (yes I am trying to homeschool my toddler. right now it's very casual and not every day.) I also cleared away some paper clutter that was piling up on the counter. We have a filing system for all our mail and random papers (take out menus, maps, etc) but it needs regular cleaning or it gets overwhelming.

When it came time to clean the bathroom, I did have to rely on cartoons. The little guy is such a good helper that he always tries to help with my chores, but I don't like him under my feet when I clean the bathroom. It's too cramped in there and he has a tendency to throw things in the toilet. >.< So, I put a DVD on for him and he happily watched that while I cleaned up the bathroom.

By then it was time for lunch, so I made everyone sandwiches and we sat together for a nice relaxing lunch before Husband went to bed. (he works at night.)

After lunch we read some stories and I prepped veggies for dinner. Also washed the lunch dishes and wiped down the counters. Now the little one is napping and I'm having my online time. Later I want to reorganize his bookshelf in the living room and maybe do a craft project.

It was a rainy day today, and we had no plans to go anywhere so it was the perfect day to just work around the house. Usually we get so caught up in running errands that the house gets neglected.

Anyhow, it feels good to have accomplished so much and it's not even evening yet. :) Hopefully tomorrow will be just as productive, but if the sun is shining we might just have to go to the park instead.

I want to talk about couponing.

2010-02-22T14:55:00.015-05:00

I am a coupon user. More than a coupon user...I am a coupon addict. Coupons, and the people who use them, get a bad rap. If you use coupons you're poor, or worse, CHEAP! Coupons are a waste of time. They are only for processed junk food products. They are more trouble than they are worth. I am here to say that none of that is true.

First let me give you a tour of my coupon binder. Yes, I have a binder. I love my binder. I have put a lot of work and thought into it and it has saved me a ton of money.

Here she is. In all her purple glory. I've had this binder (not for couponing) since high school. I could replace it with a fully loaded, bells-and-whistles binder, but the frugal thing to do is use what you have. And this works just fine for me.

Open it up and this is what you get.

The left side holds pen, pencil, highlighter, scissors and a small notebook. In the mesh pockets are those small store cards that are meant to hang on your keychain. I hate those. I use them as back-ups only. I have lost too many of them by hanging them on my keychain that I just gave up. I bought a card holder for the store cards that don't fit in my wallet and that is what I use.

In the back I have a file folder for holding coupons that I won't use but want to swap with people. I meet at least once a month, sometimes more, with other women who use coupons. That really helps me stay organized and I've learned some valuable tips from these ladies. The back also has a pocket where I keep that week's store flyers. In between, there are baseball card holders and floppy disk holders. Those are the extras that I haven't filled yet.

This little beauty hold my coupons. This is the binder that I pull out and take to the store with me. It's easier to handle than the big purple one. I found this one on clearance at my favorite bookstore.

Inside I taped this little tip.

First up is a pouch that I use to hold index cards, receipts, paperclips, an extra pen, etc. On the other side of the pouch are index card slots. I forgot to take a pic of that. I wrote the store names on index cards, slip them in the pockets and use those to store the coupons that I will need for each individual store that week.

Next is some loose leaf paper that I use to write down what is on sale at which store and also to write my shopping lists. Opposite that is some sheet protectors that hold random things.

Rebate forms, store brochures, coupon policies, etc.

That is a list of special deals at my favorite grocery store. Opposite that is where the actual coupons start.

I keep them in baseball card holders. The slots are usually the perfect size. Some coupons have to be folded. Others go in the floppy disk holders. Everything is alphabetized by brand name. I don't bother with categories. That is one extra (unnecessary) step, IMO.

This little cutie also holds coupons. I do have categories in there, in order that they are arranged in the store. I use this for shorter trips or when I am only going for a few specific things. The red binder goes with me on the longer trips so that I can take advantage of clearance items or unadvertised sales.

That is my system. Everyone does something different. This is just what works for me. You can search YouTube to see loads of different videos on couponing and how to organize coupons.

So, where do you find coupons?

Coupons are literally everywhere. First and most obvious is the Sunday paper. But I also receive a weekly city paper that has coupons. The internet is another good source for coupons, but beware because some stores do not take them. I have stopped bothering to use internet coupons because it is a hassle. I don't have easy access to a printer and some of the coupon software that you are required to download has done ugly things to my computer. Your mileage may vary. I

know many people who love internet coupons. I am not one of those people.

Another place I have seen many coupons lately is in magazines. Especially parenting magazines, but maybe I'm seeing a lot there because I read a lot of parenting magazines. Wal-Mart publishes a magazine called "All You" that is filled with coupons. I try to pick that up every month because it pays for itself in coupons.

You can find coupons on the packages themselves. These are called "peelies." You can find coupons in those little machines in front of the product, in grocery stores. Those are called "blinkies" and are often provided by Smart Source which is a leading coupon publisher. Then you have winetags (found hanging on the necks of bottles...not just wine, condiments, juice, etc...)

There are sometimes coupons in the actual grocery store flyers. These are generally for the store itself but some stores allow you to "stack" coupons. Which means you can use a store coupon and a manufacturer's coupon on the same product, thus doubling your savings.

Doubling Coupons

Try to find a store that doubles coupons. My main grocery store doubles coupons every day. They double up to 99 cents. (Some stores only double up to 50 cents so make sure you ask.)

If your store doubles up to 99 cents that means a 75 cent coupon is actually worth $1.50. $1.00 coupons are still worth only $1. 99 cents really means 99 cents. You will rarely find a store that doubles $1 coupons.

If you are lucky, you will find a store that offers triple coupons on special days. Take advantage of that!

Matching Coupons With Sales

Your biggest savings will happen when you match coupons with store sales. This takes some practice and I personally need help with it. I follow a couple different blogs that do the match-ups for me. Some people use a service called "The Grocery Game." But I feel that it's counter productive because you pay a fee for that service. When all you need is a little time to dig around online and find folks who offer that service for free.

One of the blogs I follow (and LOVE) is The Cherry Picker . She does the match ups for one of my main grocery stores and I rely on her every week to help me plan my list. She lives in a different state than I do, so sometimes her sales are different than mine. But usually they are the same (prices vary) and she has helped me save a ton of money. (Cherry Picker, if you're reading this, I love your work!

So, if you want me to help you find a blog that does the match-ups for you just leave your store names in the comments and I will look around. :)

I guess it's pretty obvious that I love to talk about couponing. It's totally worth it if you want to try it. As a SAHM, it's part of my "job" to use our one income as best I can. That is one of the main reasons I use coupons.

Last week I saved $40 at the grocery store by using the match-ups. It took me approximately an hour of work to get those coupons ready (clipping, filing, reading the blogs, making my list).

And that is $40 back in my pocket with two weeks worth of food in my pantry (not including perishables).

I hope this helps some people. There are tons of coupon blogs out there and you can find this information elsewhere as well. I just wanted to share it with my readers and since couponing is something I'm so passionate about, I wanted to blog about it. :)

*I apologize if the text is all messed up. I have tried several times to correct it and blogger is not responding to my corrections.*

Stories About Me, Part Two

2010-02-16T14:44:00.003-05:00

When I was a kid (I don't remember how old) my parents sold their car. For some reason, I really loved that car. I cried the day it was taken away and I remember running up our driveway after it. The man who bought it got out of the car and walked up to me. Poor little me, tears streaming down my face. He promised me that someday he would come back and give me a ride in the car. Then he gave me a 50 cent piece and drove off. He never came back, of course. That's the day I learned that adults sometimes lie to protect kids. But it still hurts.

Just when I think he's growing up...

2010-02-15T15:51:00.001-05:00

The other night, Boo and I were in bed (we co-sleep). He ran his hand over my chest and said "I miss the milkies! I miss the milkies!" One time for each boob. I just about cried. I sometimes feel like we stopped nursing too soon and it's stuff like this that makes me doubt myself even more. We haven't nursed for months, but he still remembers. :)

Confession Time!

2010-02-11T15:31:00.002-05:00

-I am not a christian (anymore) but I still like listening to gospel/worship music. It's uplifting and energizing. Or it's calming and peaceful, depending on the song.

-I love being a SAHM and never want to go back to work! Part of the reason I want to homeschool my child is so that I can continue to stay home.

-I sometimes wonder what it's like to live alone. I've never lived alone. I lived with my parents, then I lived with roomates, then my husband. I've never had my own place and never had to live completely alone. I want to try it, but now that I have a family, I have no real reason to live alone.

-I have often wondered what it would be like to be a nun. I'm not Catholic (now or ever) but the lifestyle intrigues me. The sheer commitment of it and the simplicity of it. It's fascinating.

-I am afraid to drive but love to fantastize about road trips I would take (alone or with a friend). Where would I go? What kind of people would I meet?

-I have very morbid daydreams sometimes. I think about what would happen if I died. If my husband died. If my child died. What would happen if I crashed my car, or got food poisoning or broke a bone. It's horrible, but sometimes I can't stop it.

I finished it.

2010-02-06T21:19:00.003-05:00

I have finished reading "The Time Traveler's Wife" for the fourth time. (You can find it in my Amazon widget at the bottom right of the page.) As usual, it left me weeping. I am deeply in love with this book. I am so thankful to a friend of mine for suggesting it several years ago. It's not a book I would have picked up on my own, just based on the title. It sounds too much like science fiction for my taste. But it is far from that. Sure, there is a small element of science fiction due to one of the main characters being a time traveler. But mostly, it is a love story. A tragic love story. It draws you in and then rips your heart out.

The movie version is being released to DVD this coming week and I am anxious to see it. I have done my best to avoid reading others opinions of the movie. I am already disappointed with one element of it based on the trailer but I want to see it with an open mind. Most books made into movies fail but there are a handful that are faithful and true to the source. I am just crossing my fingers that this is one of those movies. I will post a review once I've seen it, but not sure when that will be. It's hard to find two spare hours to see a movie when there is a toddler in the house. I've had to get up twice since starting this post! So, we will see. I am looking forward to it. :)

Stories About Me, Part One

2010-01-19T18:00:00.002-05:00

In an effort to get this blogging thing moving, I thought I would tell some random stories about my life. Nothing that would really give away my identity but just some things that few people know about me.

This first story happened in high school. I love to sing. I was in my school choir for eight years. I would have been a soloist if I didn't suffer from stage fright. My best friend at the time also loved to sing. We would hang out in the basement of her house, put CDs on the stereo and sing along. We pretended we were the Judds or other famous duos and would spend whole afternoons just singing. It was a lot of fun and a good way to keep my voice in shape over the summer break.

Somehow she got it in her head that when we graduated (I a year ahead of her) we would actually move to Nashville together and try to get famous. Two things wrong with this plan: 1) I intended to go to college and never thought that singing would get me anywhere. 2) She was actually a pretty poor singer herself, so I'm not sure why she thought we had a chance at getting famous.

We talked about it (in my mind, it was just a daydream kind of thing) and we continued to sing together in her basement. But when I graduated, off to college I went with no plans to move to Nashville. She was angry with me to the point of breaking off our friendship. I told her all along that I had no intentions of moving to TN and pursuing a music career. We just weren't good enough for something like that. It was a fun fantasy, but it was just that. It wasn't supposed to be "the plan" but she obviously thought otherwise.

Even after I apologized over and over for misleading her (even though I didn't feel that I did!) she refused to make up. Thus, I lost my first real best friend.

Of course, I made other friends. Some very dear friends (including my husband) once I was in college. But I still think about Missy and I wonder if she kept singing without me.

Listen up people....

2009-12-24T18:20:00.004-05:00

If some one wishes you a "Happy Holiday" it does not mean they are trying to take the "Christ" out of Christmas. Christmas is not the only holiday that occurs in December and saying HHs is a way to include those folks whose holidays do NOT fall on the 25th. When someone wishes you "Happy Holidays" just give a big smile and wish it right back. It's an act of kindness. Let's treat it as such.

Christmas Survey

2009-12-24T18:10:00.003-05:00

About the TREE....

1.When do you put up the Christmas tree? We put it up on Christmas Eve to lessen that chance of destruction by cat or toddler.

2. Real or fake? Fake. It's just a little 2 ft. tabletop tree for now. Bigger tree next year maybe.

3. Lights? What color? It's pre-lit with multi color lights.

4. Garland? I use mardi gras beads as garland. They are the perfect size for our small tree.

5. Theme or no theme? No theme. Just a collection of sentimental ornaments.

6. What kind of topper? A silver star.

7. What's your favorite ornament? Our Winnie the Pooh baby's first Christmas ornament.

8. What does your tree skirt look like? I used a red cookie tray and lined it with mardi gras beads. No skirt.

9. Where do you put your tree? In the living room, on the coffee table.

10. Who decorates the tree? All of us.

11.What's "under" the tree? Presents, of course!

12. Do you put candy canes on your tree? Usually but I forgot this year. I even had the mini ones but I totaly forgot about them!

FOODS...

1. What's your favorite Christmas cookie? Iced sugar cookies with sprinkles.

2. Do you bake cookies and give them away? Yep!

3. Any "special" foods or candy that you only have at Christmas time? Petit fours, which I love and haven't had any yet this year. Maybe I can snag some at the after Christmas sales.

4. What do you eat Christmas EVE? Whatever. We were going to order Chinese but husband wasn't feeling up to it. So, we made english muffin pizzas instead!

5. What do you eat on Christmas day? Fajitas! Traditionally we have ham with my family (and we will do that tomorrow) but on our day at home I just wanted something easy with not a lot of leftovers.

6. Do you like Eggnog? Not really, unless it's the only alcoholic thing available!

7. Do you like candy canes? Yes I do!

DECORATIONS...

1. Where do you hang your stockings? On the wall above the tree. No fireplace this year.

2. Do you put lights on your house? We were going to, but don't have an outlet outside. :(

3. Got any outside lawn decorations? No.

4. Do you put up a nativity (crèche)? No.

5. Do you hang mistletoe over the door? No.

6. Got a wreath on your front door? Not this year. I couldn't find it! I think it got donated and I forgot to buy a new one.

7. How long does it take you to decorate? Not long, since we don't do much.

CHRISTMAS SPECIALS....

1 . Favorite Children's Xmas TV show/cartoon? Peanuts Charlie Brown Christmas

2. Wonderful Life/Miracle on 34th St/A ChristmasCarol? Christmas Carol

3. Favorite Christmas movie? I love Elf, but I think my favorite is Home Alone.

4. Have you ever seen the Nutcracker Suite Ballet live? No but I would love to!

5. Ever been to the Radio City Music Hall Christmas show? No.

6. Ever gone to the movies on Xmas Day? Nope.

MISC HOLIDAY FUN

1. Favorite Christmas book or story? How the Grinch Stole Christmas

2. Do you stuff your stockings with any types of food? Candy and sometimes an orange.

3. Do you go to church on Christmas or Christmas Eve? Nope.

4. Have you ever gone Caroling? When I was younger, as a Girl Scout.

5. Favorite Christmas Carol? O Holy Night

6. Do you believe in Santa? Of course!

7. Do you leave Santa cookies? Yes we do.

8. What about Rudolph? Nope, no food for Rudolph or his co-workers.

9. What was your best Christmas gift? A handwritten cookbook that my mother made for me with all kinds of family recipes from previous generations.

10. What was the worst/most odd gift? Can't think of anything. Most gifts I receive are perfect for me.

11. Do you go to a "work" Christmas party? When I was working, yes I did.

12. Do you hate going? No, it was nice.

13. Do you send Christmas cards? Only to close family and friends.

14. Do you make a "list"? I make tons of lists.

15. Do you check it twice? Yes!

16.When do you start shopping? Right after Halloween.

17.Do you shop on Black Friday? Sometimes.

20. ARE YOU READY FOR CHRISTMAS? Yes!

I'm still here

2009-12-21T16:15:00.001-05:00

Just gearing up for the holidays, dealing with medical drama and trying not to go stir crazy with all the snow we've gotten. I'll post again after christmas. Thanks to those who are still hanging in there.

Have to share this funny story....

2009-11-14T18:22:00.002-05:00

Well, it's funny to me. YMMV.

If you've ever been to Hersheypark, you know that all around the park are vending machines stocked with candy. All Hershey's brand candy, of course. Well, two very flustered teenage girls walked away from a vending machine while we were standing nearby. I heard one tell the other "I just want some M&Ms. We need to find a machine with M&Ms!" I had to laugh. Does anyone know what's wrong with that statement? That girl will be lucky to find M&Ms anywhere in the town of Hershey!

CSA: Week Twenty-Two

2009-10-28T16:33:00.002-04:00

This is the final week of our CSA. :( In the bag we got: sweet potatoes, cilantro, celeriac, napa cabbage, cauliflower, spicy mix, carrots, rutabagas and broccoli rabe.

It's not my Postsecret...

2009-10-25T16:15:00.003-04:00

...but it could be.

Visit www.postsecret.com

CSA: Week Twenty-One

2009-10-21T16:59:00.003-04:00

I think the CSA is just about done. Next week should be the last week. That makes me sad. I'm going to miss all these beautiful veggies that arrive in my kitchen every week.

This week we got a very impressive head of escarole, some rutabagas, a small head of cauliflower, radishes, peppers, some gorgeous carrots, a bag of arugula and a small butternut squash. There was also a head of bok choy that went to the food bank along with some veggies from last week's bag that we didn't use up.

Seriously, I'm in love with these carrots.

Another update, instead of actual blogging.

2009-10-18T18:30:00.003-04:00

Last Wednesday was week 20 our of CSA. I think we have two more weeks left. The weather is getting cold here so not sure what the next two bags will have. Week 20's bag held: spinach, cabbage, broccoli, spicy mix, eggplant, hot peppers, tatsoi, butternut squash and radish. Not pictured is a big bag of sweet potatoes.

This past Friday we attended a trick or treat event for toddlers. It was supposed to be a "trunk or treat" where everyone decorates their cars but the weather forced us indoors so we each got a table to decorate. Our table won for best decorations.

The biggest update this time? My little guy turned 2 yesterday. We had a "Cars" themed party. Here he is pulling a string on his pinata.

Collecting candy with his cousins.

The weather ruined our party plans too. I'm getting awfully sick of all this cold rain! We had planned an outdoor party but I guess that was foolish since the weather is so unpredictable in October. Boo is too young to understand blowing out his birthday candle but he did enjoy it when everyone sang Happy Birthday to him. :) I had 18 people in my house. It was crazy but it was fun.

Mmmm....turnips

2009-10-07T21:01:00.003-04:00

Don't hate on turnips. They are a wonderful vegetable! The turnips we got in our CSA haul last week got turned into the lovely dish you see above. I cut the turnips into quarters and boiled until tender. Meanwhile I softened some sliced radishes in a pan of olive oil. Tossed the two together with some salt and pepper, added some diced bacon and chopped green onions. A nice light side dish to the beans I made for dinner.

CSA: Week Nineteen

2009-10-07T20:33:00.003-04:00

A really great haul this week, with some unique stuff I've never had before. We got celeriac, sweet potatoes, a pumpkin, green tomatoes, onion, peppers, daikon radish, lettuce and chard.

The pumpkin is in the oven right now, roasting. Then I will puree it and freeze it. The seeds are spread out on a cookie sheet to dry. Tomorrow I'll roast them with a little olive oil and salt. I might attempt my first pumpkin pie. Not sure yet. The celeriac has me baffled. I'll have to do some research on that one.

An Update

2009-10-06T19:02:00.004-04:00

I'm sorry little blog. I have been neglecting you. There's no one else, I just haven't made time for you lately and I'm sorry. So, here's a little update.

At the end of August, we had a family reunion at one of the state parks in our area. Boo got to play in a creek for the first time. The same creek his mama played in as a little girl. He loved it.

We got a cat. Here name is Coraline. Boo is in love with her.

CSA Week Seventeen: leaf lettuce, fennel, tatsoi, escarole, acorn squash, tomatoes, eggplants, onions and radishes.

CSA Week Eighteen: arugula, fennel, leaf lettuce, turnips, pasley, scallions, tomatoes and peppers.

Other updates: I've given up all beverages except water. It was the beginning of a slow weight loss journey. Anytime I make a drastic change to my diet, it doesn't work. So this time I'm trying to slow and steady approach. Dropping one bad thing at a time. First was liquid calories, next is ice cream. Today is my first day without ice cream. I am someone who could eat ice cream every day (and sometimes do) so I'm hoping that getting rid of it helps me lose some weight.

As for drinks....I did have a few "slip ups" but they were conscious decisions. A bottle of beer with a crab dinner, a glass of milk with some warm cookies, a glass of juice with breakfast, a few sips of Husband's soda at a street festival. But mostly, I am only drinking water. It hasn't been too difficult, especially because I have started to allow myself occasional treat drinks, like the ones I mentioned.

The ice cream is an attempt to cut down on my dairy and my consumption of animal fats. I will probably allow myself sorbets (fruit only, no added sugar), tofutti (love love love the chocolate one) and coconut milk ice cream (if I can find it). I also discovered another ice cream alternative (and I'm eating it now.) Frozen bananas. When you blend them they come out the consistency of ice cream. It's awesome. I found it here: http://www.thekitchn.com/thekitchn/tips-techniques/stepbystep-instructions-for-oneingredient-ice-cream-097170 I added a spoonful of peanut butter to mine, and a little bit of milk. Just enough to blend it smoothly. It was delish!

No other updates right now. No new videos either. Sorry.

Just for today

2009-09-17T20:48:00.006-04:00

This is a list that I have seen on many of the blogs that I read so I thought I would post my own.

FOR TODAY... September 17, 2009

Outside my window...it's getting dark. It's nearly 9 o'clock. The neighborhood is quiet.

I am thinking...that I wish my heartburn would go away and that I could find something to eat
that really satisfies me.

I am wearing...Pink plaid jammy pants and a red t-shirt with holes in the front. I'm all about the fashion y'all.

I am creating...a big collage for Boo's birthday and some bookmarks for myself.

I am going...no where until the weekend. Saturday is my niece's birthday party.

I am reading...a book called "Rocking the Babies." I just finished Neil Gaiman's "Interworld."

From the kitchen...tonight we had spicy pork chops with CSA green beans and CSA mashed
potatoes on the side.

Around the house...the dishes are mostly done. Still have some flatware lurking in the sink but I need to empty the dishwasher and put the clean ones away. Not too concerned about other chores today. It's a gloomy day and I just want to relax.

From my picture files...A picture I took of my Gaia statue last night. She just looks so beautiful by candlelight. Sorry it's so blurry. I used the "candlelight portrait" setting and this was the best shot I got. It's Husband's camera so I'm still learning how to use it.

Some old bentos

2009-09-17T20:09:00.002-04:00

I don't remember posting these so I thought I should. They are a bit old. I haven't packed any bento for a while. Partly due to the bath my camera took but mostly out of laziness because I do have use of Husband's camera. Here we go.

Top containter: two chicken drumsticks, salt in the apple bottle.
Middle container: carrot sticks, small cup of steamed veggies, grape jelly cup, small cup of couscous and blackberries. Parsley garnish.
Bottom container: more veggies and couscous with parsley garnish.
Lid: chocolate covered graham crackers.

Left side: diced ham
Righ side: creamy parslied potatoes, green beans
Pink side car: raspberries, blackberries and a mini blueberry pie

My first attempt at octodogs. With mustard faces, steamed broccoli, cup of coleslaw, grapes, ketchup and mustard in the green container.
Bottom tier: mac and cheese, steamed broccoli.

CSA: Week Sixteen

2009-09-16T18:52:00.003-04:00

We are starting to see greens again in our bags. That is a sure sign of colder weather on the way. This week we got a head of leaf lettuce, lemon basil, spaghetti squash, white potatoes, green beans, kale, hot and sweet peppers and tomatoes.

I just love the colors.

This little baby is going to be hot.

What should I make with all these peppers?

CSA: Week Fifteen and a mini rant

2009-09-14T00:52:00.003-04:00

A light week due to lack of rain, but still very yummy. We got a head of leaf lettuce, chard, potatoes, green beans, garlic, tomatoes, hot and sweet peppers, and fennel.

My mini rant? My kid has a cold again. We went to a playgroup this past Thursday and two days later, he's got a cold. This is becoming a re-occuring thing. Every time we go to a playdate or anything where there are lots of kids together, he gets a cold. Why the hell did I breastfeed for eighteen months if he's going to be sick all the time? I thought BF'ing and exposing him to other kids was supposed to build up his immunities. When is it going to start working? Or is it working and I'm just lucky all he's got is a cold. We've been fortunate not to have any serious illness so far. One short bout with the flu earlier this year and that's been it. Except for these head colds! I know it's nothing serious but it's freaking annoying. Whenever we go to a playgroup, I can count on him being sick within the next few days. I've even been giving the kid vitamins but that's not helping. Ugh!!

CSA: Week Fourteen

2009-09-02T18:31:00.002-04:00

This was another great week. We received okra, collard greens, hot peppers, melon, two kinds of eggplant, summer squash, tomatoes, garlic, zucchini, cilantro and red onions. The okra, collards, zucchini, hot peppers and tomatoes are going into a gumbo along with some leftover CSA veggies from last week (leeks, scallions, garlic and carrots). Some of the tomatoes are going into salsa or BLT sandwiches. The eggplant and zucchini are going into paninis. Cilantro and hot pepper into the salsa as well. I have no idea what kind of melon that is. It's rather small, but I'll bet it's sweet!

CSA: Week Thirteen

2009-08-27T20:24:00.002-04:00

So, this is what the pics look like from my drowned camera. Hhhmmm.....anyway, this week we received leeks, basil, mini head of lettuce, carrots, garlic, red potatoes, zucchini, yellow squash, sweet pepper and oodles of tomatoes. Yum!

I read "Coraline" last night

2009-08-25T19:44:00.002-04:00

So, I am slowly reading through all of Neil Gaiman's works (minus the Sandman series) and last night I read "Coraline." My brother loaned us a copy of the movie, but I wanted to read the book before we watched it (something everyone should do!) so I grabbed it off the shelf yesterday. It was a quick read. It only took me a couple hours. It's technically a children's/young adult book so it was an easy read. Here is the wiki article about it: (warning! spoilers!) http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Coraline

I won't give anything away but it is a very creepy book and I'm sorry I chose to read it at night in a quiet house. LOL! It was good though and I'm sure the movie will be good too. If it were not animated I don't think I could stand to watch it though. Horror movies do bad things to my head, so I try to avoid them. I'm not really a fan of scary stories either but I had to make an exception for Neil Gaiman. :)

On a side note, I dropped my camera in the creek this past weekend so no pics for a while. :(

CSA: Week Twelve

2009-08-19T19:40:00.002-04:00

This week's pickup brought lots of different tomatoes, long beans, basil, squash, zucchini, eggplant, tomatillos, red potatoes, red onion and lettuce.

Trying to catch up....

2009-08-16T20:52:00.002-04:00

So, here I am, not blogging very much. I just feel like I'm constantly trying to catch up. On scrapbooking, on coupon clipping, on dirty dishes, online, everywhere. My little guy has been a huge challenge lately, but I can't blame it on him. At least, not all of it.

I had a pretty relaxing weekend so far. It's Sunday evening, almost 9. Husband is playing computer games, Boo is asleep and here I am....trying to catch up. I was working on a little bit of scrapbooking before this but got bored with it. I'm trying to make some bookmarks but I don't have all the supplies I need so I have to keep stopping. I'm not motivated to move on to the next step until I have everything I need to complete it. Does that make sense?

Anyhow, yeah. Nothing much going on. Yesterday we ran errands. Today we took Boo to MyGym to run around for a bit and then got a bucket of chicken for dinner. That's a rare thing but I love it. And it is more than enough food to be at least two meals each plus maybe one packed lunch.

I'll post some pics from MyGym later once I get them sorted out. Boo loves it and I'm glad to take him because he doesn't get to run around too much at home, especially with the current hot weather. It makes me never want to leave the house. This visit was free because they were having an open house (trying to sell more memberships at a discount, of course) We didn't sign up for anything. My local mommies group gets discount rates whenever they hold an event there so I just go for those. The place is on the other side of town from us and I can't imagine battling traffic several times a week to take him there and that's how often we'd have to do it to make it worth the money. It's not a very big place though, so I think he'd get bored with it after a while. He's not really old enough yet for most of the programs/games that they have. So he would just run around and climb on stuff.

Well, I have other stuff to do online but I wanted to pop in and update a little bit. Hope everyone is well. :)

CSA: Week Eleven

2009-08-12T17:54:00.002-04:00

Red onions, cucumber, zucchini, yellow squash, scallions, dill, cilantro, beets, tomatoes, sweet pepper and asian eggplant.

CSA: Week Ten and a new friend

2009-08-05T19:39:00.006-04:00

This week brought some new faces. Leeks and eggplant. We haven't had those in our bag before. Pictured below: baby eggplant, red potatoes, cucumbers, lettuce, leeks, basil, string beans, tomatoes and garlic. I call those little cherry tomatoes "flavor bombs" because they pack so much flavor in a little burst. They are so yummy! I have no idea what to do with the leeks or the eggplant. I'll have to scout out some recipes.

We have a new friend who keeps hanging around. A squirrel. Boo loves watching this little guy (girl?) so I decided to start feeding it peanuts. One downside, now my deck is covered in peanut shells and squirrel poo! LOL! Oh well, I can just sweep it away with a broom and the peanut shells will be good for the compost bin we'll soon be starting.

I also uploaded my first real YouTube video yesterday. Hope you like it!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=O8KodDwoBTw

CSA: Week Nine and Fresh Salsa

2009-07-31T17:33:00.002-04:00

This was week nine for our CSA and I am in awe of all the beautiful colors in our bag this week! We received fennel, red potatoes, purple cabbage, jalepeno, tomatoes, zucchini, summer squash, cucumbers, sacred basil and lettuce. Quite a nice haul!

Aren't they gorgeous?

I decided to make salsa with some of our lovely produce. Some store bought, some from the CSA. It contained tomatoes, red onion, cucumber, jalepeno, cilantro, lime juice, salt, pepper and a few shots of Tabasco sauce. Very simple and very tasty.

All stirred up.

And what do you eat with a beautiful fresh salsa like this? Blue chips. Oh yes. Try them. They are really good!

CSA: Week Eight

2009-07-24T18:49:00.002-04:00

A very tasty haul this week, as usual. Beets, leafy lettuce, chinese cabbage, dill, zucchini, cucumbers, long beans and tender salad greens.

I also found a little friend inside our leafy lettuce. I put her outside in one of my planters.

We broke our bottled water habit

2009-07-15T17:59:00.003-04:00

I'm ashamed to say we used to buy cases of bottled water at Costco, but a few months ago we resolved to break that habit. To replace those plastic bottles, we each bought ourselves new reusable bottles. Mine was a very pink and very girly Hello Kitty bottle, which Boo decided was his and promptly destroyed. So, I bought a cheaper bottle since I knew I would have to share it with him and it's in bad shape but still useable. These are pics of Husband's shiny new bottle. He loves it and he keeps it away from Boo. Smart man.

What do I do with leftover fruit?

2009-07-15T17:49:00.005-04:00

I make tiny pies, that's what. This is blueberry. It could have used more sugar, but Husband liked that it was a little tart. He's used to blueberry pies having that goopy, sickly sweet filling (which I love), so this was a nice change according to him.

Recipe? Well, there really isn't one. I used pre-made (store bought) pie crust, cut into rounds to fit my muffin tin. Threw some fresh berries in there, sprinkled with sugar and a little pat of butter. Then topped with some more pie crust. Baked at whatever the box said until done. Easy! I also attempted cherry and pineapple mini pies with fresh fruit, but they didn't turn out as nice. The cherry was okay. The pineapple was a little strange. It needed something, but not sure what. I used brown sugar, instead of white sugar on the pineapple. I was going for a pineapple upside down cake vibe but it didn't pan out.

CSA: Week Seven

2009-07-15T17:23:00.002-04:00

I should mention that this isn't everything. It looks like a light haul however, it also included a cucumber and a mini head of lettuce but those were cut up and eaten on sandwiches before I had a chance to take the picture. So, this week we got more salad greens (spicy and tender), beets, garlic, yellow squash and basil. Along with the cucumber and lettuce, not pictured. Most of this is going to a friend this week though because we will be out of town for a few days and can't use it all up this time. So I'm sure she will be thrilled to have it.

CSA: Week Six

2009-07-08T21:07:00.003-04:00

This week we received swiss chard, tender salad greens, spicy salad greens, summer squash, garlic, cilantro, radishes and lemon basil. How should I use the lemon basil? I've never even heard of it before, but it smells fantastic!

Bento storage and the final package

2009-07-06T22:00:00.005-04:00

Remember the little play kitchen? I decided it would be a good place to store my bento goodies, at least until Boo is old enough to really play with it. I keep toys and old kitchen gear in the bottom cabinets for him to tear out. But the top portion is mine for now.

I found this little storage bin at Target. It works great for holding all the little accessories.

Here it is all closed up.

And here is my final shipment from Ichiban Kan. They will be closing their online store tomorrow. I. am. sad. :(

The very best part of this order was this sweet little tea set I bought. They are ceramic and I just couldn't resist them. And it was cheap too! The teapot was only $1.50 and the bowl and cup were just as affordable. I love it!

Why I love shopping at Goodwill

2009-07-04T01:59:00.003-04:00

Because sometimes you find treasures like this. A mother and child fairy votive holder. And the best part, it's Partylite which is usually quite expensive if you buy it new. It's in perfect condition and it was a bargain at $5.00!

CSA: Week Five

2009-07-01T23:54:00.002-04:00

We got a small bag of salad greens, two mini heads of lettuce, parsley, beets, carrots and squash.

Another bento lunch

2009-06-29T16:19:00.003-04:00

I actually had somewhere to go yesterday that required a packed meal so I made a bento! I went to a crop (scrapbooking event) and took this along.

Top tier: hard boiled egg, half a turkey and cheese sandwich, two CSA radishes, celery sticks.
Bottom tier: Mini Mounds bar, candy coated sunflower seeds, peanut butter and canteloupe.

This was so tasty and everyone commented on how cute the box was. The lunch itself wasn't fancy but it tasted good and that's what counts. ;)

All wrapped up and ready to go, next to my scrapbooking tote.

A quick bento

2009-06-26T22:15:00.002-04:00

Just a quick bento I threw together today. A very plain hard boiled egg, some molded rice that I filled with minced chicken and mayo. A couple of our CSA radishes and grapes.

CSA: Week Four and herb cubes

2009-06-26T19:56:00.004-04:00

This was week four for us. We got bok choy, salad greens, peas, dill, lovage, radishes and lettuce.

I've been getting a lot of herbs in our pickups and it's more than we can use in a few short days before they go bad so I decided to freeze some. It's really easy to do and that way, I have fresh herbs for weeks to come. I wouldn't advise trying to use them in place of fresh herbs but if you're cooking something, it's easy to throw in a cube or two.

Just chop the herbs finely and fill the ice cube tray about halfway. Then pour water over top to make ice cubes. Each cube is about a tablespoon so just remember to adjust the liquids in your recipe when you use them. Easy!

R.I.P.

2009-06-25T19:13:00.002-04:00

Michael Jackson has died this evening. Rest in peace Michael. He was a favorite of mine over the years. Such a great loss. :(

A bento post and more bad news

2009-06-23T19:28:00.005-04:00

The bad news first...my favorite online bento store is closing. According to their blog: http://blog.ichibankanusa.com/ as soon as they are sold out of inventory they will close their doors. I'm hoping that sales will pick up with this news and they will decide to stay open.

Here is my most recent order from them:

And I thought I would post pics of my current stash. Although I didn't take pics of all the little stuff (picks, food cups, molds and whatnot).

Boxes. I like buying girly boxes for myself. Even though I don't go anywhere that requires a packed lunch, it's still fun to pack my meals in here to eat at home. It feels like take-out, only prettier. :)

Boo's boxes. Boo also has nowhere to go that requires a packed lunch and I originally became interested in bento because I thought it would be a fun thing for him when he starts going to school but lately Husband and I have been discussing homeschooling....so we'll see. If we do homeschool, I'll still pack him fun lunches. We'll just eat them at home or at the park or wherever we happen to be that day. None of these are "technically" bento boxes but that's the beauty of bento making. You use what you find and if it's cute, even better!

The tiger and hippo came from the Dollar Store. They are not very durable so I'll use those if I need something disposable. The Sesame Street boxes are sandwich size and they came from the dollar bins at Target. The last four boxes came as a set from Borders bookstore. They were a bit of a splurge for me, but I couldn't resist. And they have come in handy as sidecars for Husband.

Random boxes. I bought the black one for Husband but it's too small for his appetite so if I use it, I have to supplement his lunch with other boxes. The pink box should have been in the pic with my girly boxes. LOL!

More Boo boxes. The fruity one was my very first bento box that I bought from Etsy. That was before I discovered Ichiban Kan. The "Cars" box came from the Disney store.

Bento bags, although I generally prefer insulated lunchbags for keeping things cold, I couldn't resist these (very affordable) matching bags.

Some utensils. I am still learning how to use chopsticks but I had to have these. The red rabbit ones are the newest and they are totally cute. I also got a red rabbit bowl that is the perfect size for ice cream, though it is technically a rice bowl. The orange chopsticks came with my Etsy box and the pink chopsticks and fork are part of the tenmari set. The green utensil set goes with the green grape putifresh boxes.

Belts to match, since the two tier boxes do not stay closed on their own.

That's all for today. I'm sorry I don't have any lunches to post. I did pack one for Husband today but I was in a rush and forgot to take a picture. Truth be told, I haven't actually packed too many bentos lately but that's just laziness.

Until next time.....bye!

Dinosaurs

2009-06-17T20:49:00.004-04:00

The dinosaur exhibit, "Dinosaurs Alive!" was by far my favorite part of the zoo visit. It was just really cool to see these life-like beasts, especially because (as you can see in a previous post) some of the dinosaurs were animatronic and hooked up to motion sensors. So they roared and moved around whenever you got close to them. It was really cool! It freaked Boo out a little bit but I think it's something he would enjoy when he's older.

CSA: Week Three

2009-06-17T20:31:00.004-04:00

Once again I am in awe at the bounty of the earth. Today's CSA bag contained cilantro, peas, beets, salad greens, arugala, onions and bok choy.

Zoo pictures

2009-06-15T18:22:00.006-04:00

Finally, a zoo post. In no particular order, here are some of the animals we saw. I'll post pics of the dinosaur exhibit later.